Survivors Guilt

I made a commitment when I decided to keep a blog that while I would not publish negative information (my blog is intended to help me find the good and positive in life), I would not sugar coat things, either. Real life doesn't come in the flavor of "only positive." Today is one of those days, and one that I feel should be acknowledged.

Wednesday our office laid off 29 staff, including six from approx. 30 in my division who work under the division management. It was, to be frank, a terrible day. While I have heard about many who have lost their jobs, including my own brother-in-law, I really had no idea how awful it would feel being part of an organization, in the building, and a part of it. I awoke yesterday and began to cry as I thought of those I know who are now in a terrible position--a co-worker whose husband lost his job two months ago and was supporting their 14 year old son and new baby, an older gentleman who is quiet but kind, and other dear friends. The legislature cut 30% of the money the office had been given at the beginning of the year with only a quarter of the year to come up with the money. There was, quite literally, no other choice--and it was evidenced by the very sorrowful and pained looks that were on the faces of our leaders. As our leader remarked: "we have no fat left to cut. we are simply cutting muscle." I had started to suspect the lay-offs on Tuesday, but never guessed how far into the divisions the cuts would come.

Losing these people at our office is difficult on a personal level: I spend the majority of my time with them, and they are all friends. Our office has a very unique culture in that we all know and care about each other's families and personal lives. Privacy is respected, but leadership knows the faces and individuals that they work with--even though they are several ranks below them. (It's not uncommon for them to come around the office saying hello.)

I didn't expect to feel what I have felt even about myself--sheer elation to have a job, total and utter guilt in discussing it with others who kept their jobs as well ("survivors guilt" has been frequently referenced at the office ), and somehow this strange desire to irrationally cry . It's hard to feel this way and remember that "it's not personal--it's business." In this case, it truly was. There is no way that our office would have let these staff go if the money was there, and although not appropriate to share on-line, I saw that our office literally sacrificed everything they could to save not only a few more positions but also hold on to these staff for just a few short weeks. Amazingly, we're still not in the clear: we anticipate that because of a 3 billion dollar deficit for next year, additional cuts are coming. The office has already wrung the towel dry, and there will be no buffer between staff and further cuts. :( (yup. that's a sad face!)

So, why post this? I guess I'm posting it for a few reasons: 1. it's incredibly therapeutic. 2. I wish I'd been able to understand what others were experiencing, and think this may help others understand it better. Perhaps they'll be able to be more compassionate than I was. (Or have I just been dense?) 3. Maybe somewhere, somehow, someone else will read this and take comfort that they aren't alone.